Satoma Asadgamaya

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Sunday, August 06, 2006

The No.1 City of the World

I'm not exactly a millionaire playboy with a jet-setting lifestyle - breakfast with a few banker buddies at London, then a few business meetings at Frankfurt, a quick lunch with the Swiss finance minister at Zurich, video-conferences with stock-brokers in Hong Kong and Singapore during my trans-altantic flight (in my private jet of course), and finally, an evening out in New York City with my supermodel girlfriend. Dang.

Unfortunately a lack of haematite content in my balls and the potent fear of roti, kapda aur makaan have ensured that I'm also not a rebellious fuck-the-fucking-world backpacker wandering about the third rock from the sun in search of truth, peace and justice. Double dang.

But really, it's just me being stupid again. What hasn't IT thralldom given me?

It's given me fabulous riches (according to the latest exchange rates) and social status. And it's given me the opportunity to travel to great cities in the United States.

New York City. Houston. San Francisco. Las Vegas. Philadelphia.

And of course I had already been to great cities in India.

Bombay. New Delhi. Bangalore. Calcutta. Hyderabad.

And of course, I have visited great cities of other countries and continents through the eyes of Discovery and National Geographic.

Tokyo. Beijing. Shanghai. Hong Kong. Singapore. Dubai. Moscow. London. Paris. Madrid. Vienna. Amsterdam. Cairo. Cape Town. Sydney. Melbourne. Rio de Janeiro. Buenos Aires. Mexico City. Toronto.

But I was intrigued by an interesting question. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, which is the greatest city of them all? Which is the no.1 city of the world?

It's got to be Chennai. Yes, Chennai. The city formerly known as Madras. It is the greatest city in the world. It is the No.1 city of the world.

I was privileged to stay in the most wondrous city of Chennai for two years of my adult life, when I had started out as a minion (that's not to say I no longer am one) in a certain global top 10 company. The reasons behind my deep love for this incredible city are both commonplace as well as metaphysical in nature. It's difficult to describe my feelings for Chennai. All I can say is that it was love at first sight.

In a world which is driven by an insatiable appetite for energy and which is inexorably marching towards the logical conclusion of global warming, Chennai sets a wonderful example. It works on a simple premise: there can be no energy consumption if there is no supply. Therefore, the city of Chennai does not supply electricity to the residents. Instead, it diverts it to industries owned by cash-strapped ministers and MLAs for free, so that they might embark on the nation-building exercise that is verily the unifocal goal of their blessed lives. Apart from the obvious benefits, it also mitigates the problem of unplanned urbanisation by keeping people out of the city and in the farms and the villages (which are supplied with free electricity by the same forward-minded ministers before their elections).

Sexual promiscuity has been the bane of our times. With people fucking like minks and the falling standards of rubber plantations in Malaysia, AIDS and other STDs threaten to assume pandemic proportions. The inspiring city of Chennai once again steps up to the plate to provide yeoman service to this noble cause. The premise, again, is one borne out of utmost simplicity. It takes two to mate: a male and a female (sincere apologies to readers with different orientations). Excellent education in the fine schools of Chennai ensures that attempts by degenerate males to con paragons of virtue (who are armed with attitude and modern thinking and who believe that mating, and indeed even dating, is evil except when performed to produce worthies such as them) comes to naught. In other cases, where paragons of virtue are not involved, the male often excuses himself from *ing activities of any sort upon discovering the true meaning of the word hirsute. To cut a long story short, the amazing city of Chennai could teach a thing or two about impossible missions to the likes of Tom Cruise.

The freshwater resources of the world have been severely impacted by growing human population (again, a product of the excess libido of males who linger a tad too long in the most excellent city that is Chennai). The outstanding city of Chennai does its bit for the environment by refusing to cater to the unwarranted clamouring of the bourgeoisie for more water. Instead, it aids the cause of technology and consequently planet earth by forcing people to look to the Bay of Bengal for succour. It has been pointed out that sodium as well as chlorine, indispensable mineral nutrients, are found plenteously in its azure-blue waters. Sometimes when people look to Coca-Cola and Pepsi instead, it aids the cause of national economy as well. So it's a win-win situation.

Statistics point to the fact that crime is mostly committed at night. The enlightened councilmen of Chennai, having passed their examinations in Probability and Statistics with flying colours, arrived at conclusions that no statistician had thought of before them. So they virtually did away public transportation at night and decided to let the mamas loose at rowdies who had the temerity to venture out after 10 pm. They also decided to fix discos, which were dens of avarice and lust and crime. Thanks to timely and fortunate intervention, nightlife in the crime-free precincts of happening Chennai is restricted to burning the midnight oil for final exams and preparing for IIT-JEE.

Public transportation has been rightly viewed as the aspirin to the headaches faced by urban planners worldwide. The founding fathers of the incredible city of Chennai believed in going one step further. They empowered mamas with the right to take care of ruffians who neither have the patience to wait two hours for a bus with an empty seat nor the athletic ability to dangle from a full one. They also ensured that the mamas got all the help they wanted from the Regional Torture Offices.

The sedentary nature of everyday urban life has serious implications on the health and fitness of an individual. Chennai's climatic conditions ensure that its upstanding citizens take all the fluids and all the vitamins that they might otherwise have neglected to. Users of public transportation undoubtedly obtain good exercise by running from one bus to another and by doing chin-ups at the window. Non-users, despite their lack of civic sense, are given due consideration too - running from one RTO to another keeps them on their toes as well. Also, exposure to the Chennai sun produces the sort of physical endurance and hardiness that a marathon runner would be proud of. Restaurants and eateries also make significant contributions to this cause by offering low-carb tiffins for dinner instead of high-carb rice-roti based meals. These factors contribute towards keeping Chennaites in top shape. Apart from this, the 85% humidity (which lends a sultry look) and the 40 degree Celsius heat (which produces a killer tan) probably go a long way in explaining the irresistible physical charms of the Chennai woman.

The unique city of Chennai also has claims to enterprising ideas on public taxation. A normal citizen of Chennai would have occasion to use the auto several times due to a variety of reasons (most of which can be traced back to the RTO). During these encounters with rickshaw drivers (who are actually taxmen in plainsclothes), all duties due to the city are collected in one shot. This ensures that unnecessary paperwork and wastage of judicial time is avoided. It also demonstrates a synergy between two departments, which is rarely observed elsewhere in other cities. The taxes thus collected are suitably disbursed to fund research on similar innovation.

The farsighted city of Chennai recognises the need to provide clean air to its denizens. However, innovative research by some of its departments showed that clean air destroys the immunity of the respiratory systems, thereby causing grievous harm to Chennaites upon venturing outside the city. Therefore, it was decided to revise emission norms. Reliable source say that the medical-pharmaceutical industry as well as funeral businesses (and hence, national economy) will also be strengthened by this action. The soot which is deposited on an individual's clothes and face now serves as a catalyst for cosmetics and laundry businesses, which in turn provide employment for so many in the giving city of Chennai.

The ancient city of Chennai boasts of breathtaking history that dates back to centuries. Instead of moving with the times towards social fragmentation and moral degeneration like lesser cities, a majority of the populace believes in staying put - at the zenith of the ziggurat of international cities. The mighty city of Chennai will fight the forces of cultural imperialism and parochial chauvinism. And defeat them. But it will never succumb to embrace languages, communities and thoughts that would only serve to pollute its spotless character that has survived the onslaughts of time and tide.

I was told by a bloke up a rung on the ladder that I might soon be united with my beloved Chennai. I eagerly look forward to renewing my love affair with the fascinating city that is Chennai. I salute the astounding spirit of Chennai - the no.1 city of the world.

Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind

mental baba 5:29 AM
Hi Baba !!!
Got into your blog from some other blog. Really nice one you have.

If I'm not too mistaken then it seems very likely that the company I recently got myself into is the same "global top 10" company you are in, although my location is Bangalore and not Chennai.
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