Satoma Asadgamaya

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Saturday, December 30, 2006

A Long Time Coming

Star Trek aficiandos will recall those famous words by Captain Kirk : "Space, the final frontier". I disagree. Space is not the final frontier. Gult Brahminism is.

There are homo sapiens. And then there's that remarkable species known as gultus brahminicus. Those who may have had the displeasure of watching DCH will remember the smart-ass Aamir Khan mouth off "Waise perfection ko improve karna mushkil hota hai" (it is difficult to improve perfection). Here's a piece of Bollywood trivia - he was actually talking about Gult Brahmins.

Gultus brahminicus is where the buck known as evolution stops. Gult Brahminism is the final frontier, if ever there was one.


In the wake of the decline of the Indus Valley civilization, the Aryans rapidly expanded into the Indian subcontinent and sowed the seeds of the Vedic civilization. The Varna system, which was an integral part of the Vedic way of life, facilitated the rise of an elitist class in society - the privileged members of which were known as Brahmins. Now these guys were good but they were nowhere near where modern-day Gult Brahmins are. There are conspiracy theorists who suggest that the metamorphosis of the vanilla Brahmin into the Gult flavour can be traced back to the much-maligned KT event. That planetoids from outer space introduced a hyper-intelligent super-resistant species of bacteria to the third rock . That this species eventually morphed into Gult Brahmins. That's a lie. It all started with a group of Brahmins who were humiliated in a game of gulli-danda. They fled to the south of the Vindhyas and established a new community on the banks of the Godavari,where they assiduously practised gulli-danda for hours on end. A crack team was sent back to exact revenge but they lost their pants, err panchas, again. Humble beginnings indeed. Gult Brahminism has never looked back since then. By quirk of genetic fate the original Gult Brahmin DNA remained confined to the Y chromosome, thus depriving Brahmin chicks of the great freebies that came with it. And it is, therefore, that the principles of Gult Brahminism apply only to Gult Brahmin males.


The majority of Gult Brahmins can be found in lands around the Godavari and Krishna rivers in peninsular India. In line with their cherished ideals of free enterprise and free thought, Gult Brahmins have exported their substantial talents to various other places, both within India and beyond. They have been especially kind to New York City, San Franscisco and Dallas/Ft.Worth.

A sure way to spot a Gult Brahmin would be to head for the nearest engineering college. Many of them can be found in lecture halls by day and in libraries by night.

Physical traits:

At 5'7" and 56.5 kilos, the average Gult Brahmin is a lean mean fighting machine. Once he leaves his fighting days behind, he swells to 72.5 kilos (all of the additional 16 kilos being put on strategically only in one area).

Many of them are genetically programmed to shed all of their hair at an early age. The ones who aren't, shed dandruff on their shirts instead.

The Olympic motto was derived from a careful observation of Gult Brahmins. Faster than a Gult Brahmin. Higher than a Gult Brahmin. Stronger than a Gult Brahmin.


Hardcore - Having been born within the confines of the holy land, the force is strong in them. As pre-ordained defenders of the faith, they unswervingly wear this symbol of their allegiance. They prefer consorting only with other hardcore gults. They are more hardcore than Hardcore Holly.

Pseudo - Since the force is weak in them, they are prone to secessionist thoughts. Throughout their lives, they remain susceptible to the lure of the dark side. Although such activity is usually quelled by hardcoded logic in the worthy Y-Chromosome, few of them do manage to break free. Renegades, as they are known, are terminated by pre-programmed aneurysms. Although the rest follow peacefully in the normal progression of the Gult Brahmin life-cycle, most of them do not pay due respects to the symbol.

The Hardcores and the Pseuds are united in their brotherhood by what is foolishly referred to as the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by idiots who are not Gult Brahmins. Hyper-hygienic and super-clean, Gult Brahmins have put even Howard Hughes to shame. They actually bathe everyday for half an hour in hot water with religious fervour. They vacuum their carpets, clean their kitchens, arrange their stuff neatly, iron their clothes and even polish their shoes. Only the dandruff remains an aberration (for the ones with any hair) but it works with Gult Brahmin chicks. There was this Gult Brahmin who almost had a heart attack when some moron sneezed in his kitchen while the sambar podi was not covered.

Within these broad categorizations, there are more sub-categories, each one claiming to be better than the other. It really doesn't matter anyway because all of them belong to that most elite of all species - gultus brahminicus.

Dietary habits:

Any Gult Brahmin worth his salt has a digestive system which is designed to process copious amounts of neyi. Not only does this help the neyi industry but also unions of cardiac professionals. Any attempts to halt the supply of neyi result in a system shutdown. This incredible digestive design also comes with firewalls that automagically shut out connections from restricted servers belonging to the flesh industry.

This is how a typical menu of culinary delights would look like -

Breakfast - Upupindi (with nimakaya and neyi), Bournvita
Lunch - Annam, Muda Pappu (with lots of neyi), Bendakaya Fry (with neyi), Yeravakaya (with neyi) and Kobarikaya Pachidi (with neyi), Perugu
Snacks - Aritikaya Bajji, Bournvita
Dinner - Annam, Vonkaya Kura (with neyi), Teeavakaya (with neyi), Perugu

Protein, in any form, is rationed out grudingly. Neyi is not.

Mating habits:

Gult Brahmin mojo, as attested to by the amount of porn they download, is nothing short of legendary. This is how it works. Let's say your neighbourhood Gult Brahmin sees a babe. Now the babe, if she indeed is one, has high potential. In accordance with laws of physics which are so sacred to the Gult Brahmin, electric current is produced immediately. This phenomenon is actually still under research. Because what this also implies is that the neighbourhood Gult Brahmin has low potential (something we know to be a theoretical impossibility). Now everybody knows that Gult Brahmins have balls of iron. And remember that iron is a ferro-magnetic substance. Once again, with due deference to physics, the Gult Brahmin is instantly transformed into a walking talking babe magnet. The rest of the process is, well, less of physics and more of biology.

Exceptions are rare. For instance, there was this Gult Brahmin who once boarded a bus at Nainital. A hot chick walked up to him and enquired if the seat beside his was empty (which it was). The Gult Brahmin's eyes popped out of their sockets, thereby breaking his internal circuitry. Because of this unfortunate occurrence, power was not transmitted to his vocal cords. The vocally and mentally crippled Gult Brahmin experienced an instantaneous surge in chick resistance, which prevented flow of current and the benefits that normally accompany it. Sometimes having balls of iron ain't enough.


Gult Brahmins usually despise real sports of any kind (except gulli-danda of course). They sometimes indulge in a bit of err, shuttle and gulli cricket.

Participation in music, dance or theatre holds no attraction for a Gult Brahmin since most of his quality time is spent fruitfully in watching television (which offers lots of pop music, item numbers and soap operas anyway).

A Gult Brahmin's genetically-imbibed passion for Maks is well and truly borne out by the burning of the midnight oil in preparation for IIT-JEE.

Work, especially if it's IT (Where those not fortunate enough to be born Gult Brahmins pursue a trivial hobby like carpentry after an eight-hour workday, Gult Brahmins successfully blend work and personal life at office in a fourteen-hour work-cum-play-day).

The Future:

Inspite of growing threats posed by the ever-changing nature of the world, the extraordinary species that is gultus brahminicus remains well beyond the reach of extinction. This can possibly be attributed to arranged marriages. Although this concept did not originate with Gult Brahmins, it has well and truly been institutionalized by their leaders. A time-tested system that works with uncanny precision, it ensures that Gult Brahmins are not obliterated by the rigours of the highly-competitive courtship market. Instead they are directly fast-tracked to Gult Brahmin babes (who're ranked third, behind none other than the sun and Tam hotties, in the Forbes 100 Hottest Things list). This works out rather well for all the parties. Gult Brahmins pretty much get the best. Gult Brahmin babes get the best. The two copulate and produce more Gult Brahmins, thus preserving their noble line for posterity.

Urban Legends:

Allen Iverson borrowed his nickname - The Answer - from a Gult Brahmin he had the honour of being acquainted with.

Fox Mulder is a Gult Brahmin.

Gult Brahmins produce testosterone (this is a physical impossibility as laws of chemistry dismiss the possibility of testosterone production from iron. Remember, those nuts are made of iron).

Notable Quotes:

"I am Gult, Brahmin for Eternity, Defender of the secrets of the Gult Castle, Numbskull. This is Ginger, my topless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic thread and said by the power of Numbskull..."

"Gult Brahminism, the final frontier."

Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind

mental baba 1:18 PM
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