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Sunday, August 20, 2006

The No.1 Director of the World

Karan Johar, film-maker extraordinaire, is back with a bang. In fact, it would be a travesty to call it just a bang. It's a gang-bang really. Like you know, when a gang from Bollywood teams up (rather effectively) to bang the living daylights out of an average joe. Like you know, when each and every one of them takes turns, just to make sure average joe gets more than just a good return on his investment. I can't think of too many better ways to spend ten dollars (unless it be to watch one of Johar's other cinematic achievements).

The movie, which is in reality a vehicle to attain the kind of zen even the Dalai Lama can only hope for, begins with dramatic moments that would make MI2 look pedestrian - Shah Rukh Khan, the King Khan , putting Zinedine Zidane to shame. He enthralls tens of thousands of cheering New Yorkers with his artistry and his power on the football field (as he does on the silver screen) before some dimwit fells him to the ground. King Khan then prepares himself for the penalty shot (and inevitable victory) by flexing his forearm tattooed with the word VICTORY (surprise! surprise!) and affixing a look on his face that would have made Lev Yashin piss in his pants. What happens next is now cinematic history.

King Khan lands a contract worth FIVE MILLION dollars. By freak co-incidence, his hot wife Preity Zinta also lands a top honcho position at Diva - New York's pathetic answer to Femina. What a happening couple, right? But then the proverbial hadi in the kabab Rani Mukherjee steps her rather large bong arse into the pretty picture, moments before she is about to be married to Abhishek Bachhan. King Khan and Rani, complete strangers, have a thoughtful discussion on love and marriage with Khan at his humorous best, sending desi girls in the audience into peals of laughter. Khan's enlightened insights on life prevail upon Rani. Consequently she proceeds to the mandap while Khan proceeds to what I presume was the signing of his multi-dollar contract. Unfortunately, a career that might have culminated in a glorious head-butt, ends in a chewing gum accident (which may have been engineered by a jealous Pele) and Khan's magic foot is lost to the world of football forever. Never before have the first few minutes of a movie captured my imagination as this did.

This motion picture also boasts of the considerable presence of Amitabh Bachchan who portrays the role of a millionaire playboy to perfection. His very first scene shows him with a scantily-clad bombshell, a pair of handcuffs and a broken bed. When Abhishek wonders as to how the bed was broken, Amitabh comes up with this gem of a Karan Johar one-liner : "Bete tumhe bhi kisi din sikhaunga" or something like that (Son, I will teach you how to do that someday). In various other scenes (put together for comic relief I suppose), he appears with nubile nymphs of different hair colours, whispering sweet-nothings into their ears. Samarjit, or Sam as Amitabh is known in the movie, also describes the fat-arse Kirron Kher as "definitely Chandigarh". This movie is "definitely Karan Johar". Only the directorial prowess of somebody like Karan Johar could have transitioned Amitabh's image from that of an angry young man to a horny old man. A few more ventures with Johar & Co wouldn't do Amitabh's legacy any harm.

Anyway, the movie moves onto an interesting and poignant storyline that has King Khan and Rani locked in unhappy marriages. The hot Preity is wedded to her work as a high-profile businesswoman who will only celebrate when her magazine becomes No.1 (in Baba's blog?) and has no time to tousle Khan's dandruff-free hair and pamper him with erotic massages. Abhishek has lots of time for Rani but she does not have time to spare from her busy schedule of vacuuming the house, doing the dishes and laundering her lingerie (although she does once ask Abhishek to take his pants off so that she might subject them to the preferential treatment normally reserved for her panties). In the meantime, you have Amitabh redefining Casanova with aplomb and Karan Johar redefining cinema with more than just aplomb.

In a moment of blinding originality, King Khan and Rani bump into each other when both mistake each other for the Black Beast - a serial child kidnapper loose in Manhattan. The athletic King Khan shows excellent baseball pitching prowess in flooring Rani with a direct hit (not that he hadn't had her floored already with his drop-dead looks and razor wit). One thing leads to another, resulting in Bollywood's answer to Unfaithful. In a bold and titillating display never seen before in Indian cinema, Khan and Rani set the screen on fire the way Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez could only have wished for. The close-up shots of King Khan's tits were especially aesthetic and had Karan Johar written all over them.

Rani and Khan's extra-marital fling comes to a sudden end when both of them are kicked out by their stone-hearted spouses (especially Preity who has the gall to turn Khan down when he magnanimously offers her one more chance). The No.1 Casanova of the World Amitabh Bachchan too succumbs to the frailties of old age and intense physical activity. Why it comes to a sudden end is still a mystery that may need to be investigated by the FBI. Instead to getting together and having some more fun, the twain go separate ways after lying to each other about their broken marriages.

Just as desi girls in the audience were on the verge of emotional breakdown at this sad turn of events, Karan Johar did a Javed Miandad in hitting a six off the very last ball of the desi attack. In yet another masterstroke, he had Rani chasing after King Khan in the closing moments of the film. It was an avante-garde move that will resound for years in Hindi cinema - the heroine chasing after the hero in the climax. And that too, in a railway station. Who would have thought that Johar of the Vanderbiltesque mansions and Ferraris fame would come down to the level of the plebeians in the audience. Astounding! What a happy ending for the two lovebirds! And for the desi girls in the audience!

This thought-evocative movie truly establishes Karan Johar as a titan among movie directors, past or present, Bollywood or Hollywood or *wood. King Khan adds another gem to his bejewelled crown. Rani reiterates her credentials as the hottest bong babe in history (I'm sorry Bips). Abhishek and Preity cut sorry figures, unlike Amitabh's girlfriends.

This was not a review, only Baba's view. Because, review = re + view. This is a mathematical impossibilty as a re view of this Joharian endeavour would result in Baba's intelligence dividend being divided by zero.

I have only one thing to say : Karan Johar, Bollywood ko Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.

Management Class : News

mental baba 11:10 PM
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