Friday, May 19, 2006
'He who...
...fights and f***ing runs away,
lives to sit by the dock of the bay'.
- Mental Baba.
I had a dog when I was a tween. Arrow was a black German Spitz who loved biting peeps for no reason whatsoever, except to amuse himself. He even bit me several times and was the mastermind behind the loss of my incisors (permanent ones, at that).
I was at a loss to explain this behaviour which was so deviant of his species. Now I had signed up for a lovable pet. And not for a psychotic canine with extremely large canines.
Whenever I'd see other kids playing with their doggies, I would turn towards Arrow. And he would present me a toothy growl that might give more than just a few ideas to a toothpaste marketing exec.
I had never really understood this. I sort of put it down to Baba's Laws, some of which are stated here -
Law I (aka Law of Infallible Justice) -
If Baba prepares an amazingly fantastic report on Mainframe MIPS Optimization (with great effort), puts it in the Big B (=Big Baba)'s mailbox (with great care), awaits a response (with great eagerness), then he will be told that his vegetarian document lacks meat, (the entire episode) shrilly announcing the sad and premature demise of Baba's grandiose plans.
Law II (aka Suitably Amended First Law of Thermodynamics) -
If Baba prepares delicious gajjar ka halwa (with great effort), puts it in the fridge (with great care), takes it out after a while (with great eagerness), decides to heat it just a wee bit (so that he may have a few nibbles and bites), then his microwave will refuse to work, so he'll put it on the stove, then he'll fall asleep (because he's been working his tush off on a certain report), and finally the smoke alarm will go off, shrilly announcing the sad and premature demise of the halwa.
Law III (aka Law of Irrevocable Truth) -
If Baba prepares (with great effort) to wow a hot chick , puts on his best formal wear (what the?!), memorizes his lines by rote, and even shaves his beloved stubble, he will find a bum in phatichar jeans and a stubble whispering sweet-nothings into her ears. And the chick would seem oblivious to Baba's metaphysical pan-dimensional aura (what the?!), thereby putting paid to Baba's grandiose plans.
Law MMCMLXXXII (aka Law of Utmost Finality) -
If anything can go wrong for Baba, it will.
Anyway. Last night I kind of realised what the mutt had been up to all along. It came to me in a holy vision.
It boils down to this ancient tale of golgappas, cosmonomics and revenge.
Ladies and gentlemen. This pooch, a mercenary for hire known as the Eliminator (aka Broken Jaw)was sent back in time, in order to murder me and to prevent me from accomplishing all those great deeds that I will be soon renowned for.
Ha. But they ain't getting me.
Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind
lives to sit by the dock of the bay'.
- Mental Baba.
I had a dog when I was a tween. Arrow was a black German Spitz who loved biting peeps for no reason whatsoever, except to amuse himself. He even bit me several times and was the mastermind behind the loss of my incisors (permanent ones, at that).
I was at a loss to explain this behaviour which was so deviant of his species. Now I had signed up for a lovable pet. And not for a psychotic canine with extremely large canines.
Whenever I'd see other kids playing with their doggies, I would turn towards Arrow. And he would present me a toothy growl that might give more than just a few ideas to a toothpaste marketing exec.
I had never really understood this. I sort of put it down to Baba's Laws, some of which are stated here -
Law I (aka Law of Infallible Justice) -
If Baba prepares an amazingly fantastic report on Mainframe MIPS Optimization (with great effort), puts it in the Big B (=Big Baba)'s mailbox (with great care), awaits a response (with great eagerness), then he will be told that his vegetarian document lacks meat, (the entire episode) shrilly announcing the sad and premature demise of Baba's grandiose plans.
Law II (aka Suitably Amended First Law of Thermodynamics) -
If Baba prepares delicious gajjar ka halwa (with great effort), puts it in the fridge (with great care), takes it out after a while (with great eagerness), decides to heat it just a wee bit (so that he may have a few nibbles and bites), then his microwave will refuse to work, so he'll put it on the stove, then he'll fall asleep (because he's been working his tush off on a certain report), and finally the smoke alarm will go off, shrilly announcing the sad and premature demise of the halwa.
Law III (aka Law of Irrevocable Truth) -
If Baba prepares (with great effort) to wow a hot chick , puts on his best formal wear (what the?!), memorizes his lines by rote, and even shaves his beloved stubble, he will find a bum in phatichar jeans and a stubble whispering sweet-nothings into her ears. And the chick would seem oblivious to Baba's metaphysical pan-dimensional aura (what the?!), thereby putting paid to Baba's grandiose plans.
Law MMCMLXXXII (aka Law of Utmost Finality) -
If anything can go wrong for Baba, it will.
Anyway. Last night I kind of realised what the mutt had been up to all along. It came to me in a holy vision.
It boils down to this ancient tale of golgappas, cosmonomics and revenge.
Ladies and gentlemen. This pooch, a mercenary for hire known as the Eliminator (aka Broken Jaw)was sent back in time, in order to murder me and to prevent me from accomplishing all those great deeds that I will be soon renowned for.
Ha. But they ain't getting me.
Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind
mental baba 6:52 AM
