Satoma Asadgamaya

In Memory

Migrated Datasets


Sunday, December 05, 2004

The Golgappa Wars

WELCOME TO THE COSMOPAEDIA COSMICA (censored humanoid version)



Aeons ago, in an ordinary galaxy far far away, lived an extraordinary megalomaniac known as Mental Baba. They said that he was the greatest ever to have walked on the third rock from the sun (star id #285410478821). They wrote him eulogies and odes. In fact, one of them just springs to mind -

"Oh Doc! Oh Doc! Oh Doc!
The way you walk!
The way you talk!
Oh Doc! Oh Doc! Oh Doc!"

(In hi-fi rap, Mental Baba = Doc. If extremely unlikely that you'll understand this if you're not hi-fi.)

They gave him aromatic massages and vada-pav. They did his laundry and answered his fan mail. Then one day everything changed.

Those were turbulent times. Golgappas, the mainstay of inter-universal trade, had been arrogantly monopolised by the Universe K9 in the fifty-third psycho-temporal dimension. The inhabitants of K9, a homogenously oversized race called 'Canis Furrialis', had invented gigantic black holes, the sole purpose of which was to suck golgappas from other universes in different dimensions. They were on an unstoppable roll. They liked golgappas. And they liked not paying for them even more.

Now, coming back to the day when everything changed. Mental Baba had just woken up from a well-earned siesta. He ambled across to the neighbourhood thelagadi and asked for his favourite golgappas. No sooner had Mental Baba picked the first one up, than a bolt from the blue arrested the process of his hand depositing the golgappa into his mouth. Mental Baba shook his sagacious head in disbelief as he surveyed the carnage around him. There was not one golgappa left! Mental Baba howled in mad fury. They still say “Hell hath no fury like Mental Baba’s palate scorned.” The third rock from the sun shuddered as Vesuvius and Krakatoa erupted. Finally Mental Baba controlled his rage and swore a terrible oath to vanquish those who had dared the unthinkable.

These tidings soon reached the Universe D3 in the twentieth psycho-temporal dimension, where the only battle fleet to have escaped annihilation at the paws of the K9 army, was licking its wounds. Great lords and powerful warriors were sitting morose and despondent at yet another failure to breach the defences of K9. The Jedi were there. So were the Time Lords. Homer Simpson and Krusty were also present. Everybody cheered wildly at the prospect of Mental Baba taking on K9 single-handedly .

Mental Baba’s lineage and prowess was legendary. He was the last of the Immortals. He could straddle the multiverse in its dimensional entirety that included all of the ninety-six and half psycho-temporal dimensions (the ninety-seventh dimension could, unfortunately, never be completed as the cheques towards the contractor’s fees had bounced). He was invincible and had never been defeated in battle. And most of all, he was golgappa-deprived and hopping mad. This time, it seemed that K9 had bitten off more than it could chew.

Hysterical female screams resounded across the multiverse as live television feed showed Mental Baba stride purposefully towards K9 in the fifty-third psycho-temporal dimension, to the tune of Queen’s ‘Princes of the Universe’, with his long mane blowing, his black cloak billowing, his mighty sword unsheathed and reflecting the light of millions of stars, his eyes bloodshot and his stomach growling.


// In addition to megalomania, Mental Baba also suffers from sudden attacks of whims and fancies.

// The Golgappa Wars will not continue

Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind

mental baba 3:56 AM
baba ka katora |