Friday, August 26, 2005
Flat on the Mat
Usually, great people hide their shortcomings and their failures from the public eye. I, on the other hand, think along different lines.
What was that di**head ? I'm not great? Are you out of your freaking mind, I mean, your freaking di** ?
That I AM great is a universal truth. A UNIVERSAL TRUTH. Like you know : the sun rises in the east. My greatness is independent of me and my actions and indeed, this pathetic universe. It just exists. In ineffable grandeur and in inviolate magnificence. It's undeniable and it's indisputable.
Having cleared that point, let me theorise on why then I choose to let you plebeians know what you're not entitled to -
a) Neither do I have any accomplishments nor do I have anything else to talk about. Other than my greatness, of course, which is too a great a matter to be presented to all and sundry. But I'm bored and I do want to talk so I'll just talk about my failures.
b) The big fan of Chandler Bing that I am, just like him I invariably keep rubbing people the wrong way, inspite of having good intentions. Some even wrongfully accuse me of arrogance. Everybody who knows me, knows me to be down to earth, unlike some peeps I know who (think they) ’re up so high that nothing less than the Hubble space telescope can spot them. Is there any arrogant soul on the third rock from the sun who'd talk about his failures?
I'll start off with something seemingly trivial, something which is not taken lightly by me though. My steed. Yes, my steed. Like all great champions, I’ve a steed - that wondrous piece of indigenous engineering - the Bajaj Pulsar DTSI 150. I'll talk about the times I cut a sorry figure , whenever I was thrown off my steed.
Now, even legendary warriors like Karna and Bheeshma were thrown off their chariots. Therefore, it’s not much of a surprise when one as legendary as they were and perhaps more is thrown off his mighty chariot. It’s all part of the war and the important thing’s in getting up again.
Let’s get going without any further ado.
SCENE I:
Place: Venkatanarayana Road,T.Nagar
Date: Republic Day, 2004.
Objective: To reach Aminjikarai.
Observations: Mental Baba sees a hot chick on the road, walking towards him from the opposite direction. Hot chick makes eye contact with Mental Baba. Mental Baba’s right hand starts working independently of his left-handed brain. It decides it’d like shake hands (and more) with the chick. Instead it shakes hands, rather vigorously, with the disc brake(which doesn’t seem to be too amused). Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "Mamma Mia!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 30 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Mob gathers.
# Hot chick puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (NO, THAT’S A LIE).
# Hot chick vamooses from the scene of her crime.
# Mental Baba reaches hospital instead of Aminjikarai.
# A not-so-hot nurse tends to Mental Baba’s injuries.
# Mental Baba’s steed reaches garage instead of Aminjikarai.
# An ugly mechanic tends to his heavy injuries.
# Mental Baba discovers that his featherweight bank balance is now lighter by Rs.1400.
Inference: Hot chick to blame. Should be arrested and sentenced as a public menace.
SCENE II:
Place: ECR
Date: Sometime in September 2004.
Objective: To do a speed run.
Observations: Mental Baba‘s smoking the tyres @ 105 Ks an hour. Mental Baba sees a herd of cows crossing the road up ahead. He respectfully slows down to a crawl @ 20 Ks an hour. A hefty cow suddenly decides that she has a crush on Mental Baba. She breaks out of the herd and crushes both Mental Baba as well as his worthy steed. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "Holy Cow!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 120 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gathers.
# Cow puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (THANK GOD THAT’S A LIE).
# Cow looks at Mental Baba with love in her large brown eyes.
# Cow then vamooses from the scene of her crime ?!
# Mental Baba limps back to his feet and licks his wounds.
# Mental Baba discovers, to his horror, that his steed’s fork is twisted.
# Mental Baba abandons his speed run.
# Mental Baba discovers that the cow’s affection cost him 400 bucks and a stitch.
Inference: Cow to blame. Should be arrested and served as beef. (And I used to be a Brahmin!)
SCENE III:
Place : 2rd Main Road, Kanappanagar, Thiruvanmiyur
Date : Sometime in November 2004
Objective: To reach my aunt’s place.
Observations: Mental Baba’s driving safely, minding his own business, @ 40 Ks an hour. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "What the f*** ?!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 20 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gathers.
# Mental Baba extracts his steed from a pothole so thoughtfully and strategically placed by the Chennai Corporation.
# No bruises except for a few scratches.
# Aunt puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (Yikes!!! That's NOT a lie).
Inference: Amma to blame. Should be arrested and forced to fill up every pothole in the city.
SCENE IV:
Place : Venkatanarayana Road,T.Nagar (Not again)
Date : Sometime in January 2005
Objective: To reach Abhiramipuram.
Observations: Mental Baba’s driving safely AGAIN, minding his own business AGAIN, @ 40 Ks an hour AGAIN. An auto-driver thinks that Venkatanarayana Road is in fact the Circuit de Cataluyna. He makes an amazing attempt to pass between Mental Baba and a Santro in front of him – one that would have made to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not or The World’s Most Amazing Videos. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "O Venkatesa !", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 10 seconds (the mob was real quick, I tell you)
Results (in chronological sequence):
# The Santro gets a good kick up its ample backside.
# Mob gathers.
# Auto-driver gets beaten up.
# Mamas join the action.
# Auto-driver gets beaten up again.
# Mental Baba’s steed escapes with a few scratches.
# Mental Baba escapes with a torn jeans and a torn elbow.
Inference: Auto-driver to blame. Should be arrested and beaten up again.
SCENE V:
Place : Some road, Dasarathapuram, Vadapalani
Date : Sometime in February 2005
Objective: To drop his friend home (Clarification : friend != girlfriend).
Observations: Mental Baba’s dead drunk. He zipping the city roads, late at night @ 100 Ks an hour, navigating to instructions from the pillion. He tries to do a Rossi at a turning. Before Mental Baba’s beer-belly can say "Belchhh!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 10 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gets hurt. Mental Baba's under the protection of magic.
# It has no effect on Mental Baba. He gets up and keeps going.
Inference: Mental Baba to blame. Should be arrested and sent for psychiatric evaluation.
Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind
What was that di**head ? I'm not great? Are you out of your freaking mind, I mean, your freaking di** ?
That I AM great is a universal truth. A UNIVERSAL TRUTH. Like you know : the sun rises in the east. My greatness is independent of me and my actions and indeed, this pathetic universe. It just exists. In ineffable grandeur and in inviolate magnificence. It's undeniable and it's indisputable.
Having cleared that point, let me theorise on why then I choose to let you plebeians know what you're not entitled to -
a) Neither do I have any accomplishments nor do I have anything else to talk about. Other than my greatness, of course, which is too a great a matter to be presented to all and sundry. But I'm bored and I do want to talk so I'll just talk about my failures.
b) The big fan of Chandler Bing that I am, just like him I invariably keep rubbing people the wrong way, inspite of having good intentions. Some even wrongfully accuse me of arrogance. Everybody who knows me, knows me to be down to earth, unlike some peeps I know who (think they) ’re up so high that nothing less than the Hubble space telescope can spot them. Is there any arrogant soul on the third rock from the sun who'd talk about his failures?
I'll start off with something seemingly trivial, something which is not taken lightly by me though. My steed. Yes, my steed. Like all great champions, I’ve a steed - that wondrous piece of indigenous engineering - the Bajaj Pulsar DTSI 150. I'll talk about the times I cut a sorry figure , whenever I was thrown off my steed.
Now, even legendary warriors like Karna and Bheeshma were thrown off their chariots. Therefore, it’s not much of a surprise when one as legendary as they were and perhaps more is thrown off his mighty chariot. It’s all part of the war and the important thing’s in getting up again.
Let’s get going without any further ado.
SCENE I:
Place: Venkatanarayana Road,T.Nagar
Date: Republic Day, 2004.
Objective: To reach Aminjikarai.
Observations: Mental Baba sees a hot chick on the road, walking towards him from the opposite direction. Hot chick makes eye contact with Mental Baba. Mental Baba’s right hand starts working independently of his left-handed brain. It decides it’d like shake hands (and more) with the chick. Instead it shakes hands, rather vigorously, with the disc brake(which doesn’t seem to be too amused). Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "Mamma Mia!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 30 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Mob gathers.
# Hot chick puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (NO, THAT’S A LIE).
# Hot chick vamooses from the scene of her crime.
# Mental Baba reaches hospital instead of Aminjikarai.
# A not-so-hot nurse tends to Mental Baba’s injuries.
# Mental Baba’s steed reaches garage instead of Aminjikarai.
# An ugly mechanic tends to his heavy injuries.
# Mental Baba discovers that his featherweight bank balance is now lighter by Rs.1400.
Inference: Hot chick to blame. Should be arrested and sentenced as a public menace.
SCENE II:
Place: ECR
Date: Sometime in September 2004.
Objective: To do a speed run.
Observations: Mental Baba‘s smoking the tyres @ 105 Ks an hour. Mental Baba sees a herd of cows crossing the road up ahead. He respectfully slows down to a crawl @ 20 Ks an hour. A hefty cow suddenly decides that she has a crush on Mental Baba. She breaks out of the herd and crushes both Mental Baba as well as his worthy steed. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "Holy Cow!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 120 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gathers.
# Cow puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (THANK GOD THAT’S A LIE).
# Cow looks at Mental Baba with love in her large brown eyes.
# Cow then vamooses from the scene of her crime ?!
# Mental Baba limps back to his feet and licks his wounds.
# Mental Baba discovers, to his horror, that his steed’s fork is twisted.
# Mental Baba abandons his speed run.
# Mental Baba discovers that the cow’s affection cost him 400 bucks and a stitch.
Inference: Cow to blame. Should be arrested and served as beef. (And I used to be a Brahmin!)
SCENE III:
Place : 2rd Main Road, Kanappanagar, Thiruvanmiyur
Date : Sometime in November 2004
Objective: To reach my aunt’s place.
Observations: Mental Baba’s driving safely, minding his own business, @ 40 Ks an hour. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "What the f*** ?!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 20 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gathers.
# Mental Baba extracts his steed from a pothole so thoughtfully and strategically placed by the Chennai Corporation.
# No bruises except for a few scratches.
# Aunt puts Mental Baba’s head in her lap and tenderly tends to his injuries (Yikes!!! That's NOT a lie).
Inference: Amma to blame. Should be arrested and forced to fill up every pothole in the city.
SCENE IV:
Place : Venkatanarayana Road,T.Nagar (Not again)
Date : Sometime in January 2005
Objective: To reach Abhiramipuram.
Observations: Mental Baba’s driving safely AGAIN, minding his own business AGAIN, @ 40 Ks an hour AGAIN. An auto-driver thinks that Venkatanarayana Road is in fact the Circuit de Cataluyna. He makes an amazing attempt to pass between Mental Baba and a Santro in front of him – one that would have made to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not or The World’s Most Amazing Videos. Before Mental Baba’s vocal cords can say "O Venkatesa !", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 10 seconds (the mob was real quick, I tell you)
Results (in chronological sequence):
# The Santro gets a good kick up its ample backside.
# Mob gathers.
# Auto-driver gets beaten up.
# Mamas join the action.
# Auto-driver gets beaten up again.
# Mental Baba’s steed escapes with a few scratches.
# Mental Baba escapes with a torn jeans and a torn elbow.
Inference: Auto-driver to blame. Should be arrested and beaten up again.
SCENE V:
Place : Some road, Dasarathapuram, Vadapalani
Date : Sometime in February 2005
Objective: To drop his friend home (Clarification : friend != girlfriend).
Observations: Mental Baba’s dead drunk. He zipping the city roads, late at night @ 100 Ks an hour, navigating to instructions from the pillion. He tries to do a Rossi at a turning. Before Mental Baba’s beer-belly can say "Belchhh!", Mental Baba is FLAT ON THE MAT.
Duration on the mat: 10 seconds
Results (in chronological sequence):
# Nobody gets hurt. Mental Baba's under the protection of magic.
# It has no effect on Mental Baba. He gets up and keeps going.
Inference: Mental Baba to blame. Should be arrested and sent for psychiatric evaluation.
Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind
mental baba 2:36 PM
