Satoma Asadgamaya

In Memory

Migrated Datasets


Friday, August 19, 2005


Connect: The Trishul. The Brahmastra. The Gandiva. Little Boy. AK-47. Scud.

Now, I'm not really trying to check out your knowledge quotient or something but I don't think it requires a George W. Bush to get this one right - WMD. If you belong to that species that's politely referred to as...well…average, let me S.P.E.L.L it out for you buttheads - Weapons of Mass Destruction.

I have something to say about this whole thing. This list is crap. I mean the biggest and the baddest WMD of them all - one that'd make this entire lot look as sorry as Saurav Ganguly after a Shoaib Akhtar over - has been omitted. Dada, nothing personal man. If you want, we always can change the simile to Mental Baba after his monthly heyday (on second thought, make that payday).

It's the...the...the Ra....the Raa....the Raaaa.....the Rakhee. Damn. I can't even bring myself to say the word. Let me hereafter simply refer to it as WMD. What ? Are you people buttheads or what ? How many times do I have to f***ing S.P.E.L.L it out for you - Weapon of Male Destruction. The Ra....The WMD - that freaking weapon of male destruction.

Somebody, please! Somebody do something! Call the UN. Call Superman. Call Dubyaman. In the name of truth, peace and justice, somebody call somebody!

But I must say that you peeps have a lot to learn from me. I'm quite a bit of a role model. Because I have an amazing record. In 25 years, I have been the victim of this atrocity only once. Only once. What ho! What do you say to THAT? Some say it's my ability to be as slippery as an eel. But I think it's just my J factor. Now the J factor is something on the basis of which peeps have earned their doctorates. I don't intend to do another thesis right here. Let me just say that in the hallowed precincts of the most venerated engineering college of India, J = Juice.

Name J Factor

Laloo Prasad : -7.4
Amelie Mauresmo : 0.1
Marat Safin : 9.2
John Abraham : 9.4
George Clooney : 9.5

You get the drift ? Well, I didn't know you were THAT slow on the uptake. I think it's about time you turned on the optimisation flags on your pathetic compilers. Do it and then compile :

float get_j_factor(string input)
float j_factor;

if (!strcmp(input,"Mental Baba")){
j_factor = 10.0;
WHERE NAME= :input ;

if (j_factor == 10.0){
printf(“Not so fast, son.\n”);
j_factor == 0.0;

return j_factor;

In effect, this is what happens. It’s only those women who've had their neural fluid vaporised (thanks to the frequent application of the hair dryer), who come to rakhee me. Now this hair dryer thing is actually something that most people don’t believe in. Idiots. In fact, it’s one of the reasons why I shed my hair. I prefer neural fluid to wet hair. I’ll be out with that thesis soon enough. Now, coming back to the matter at hand. Yeah, they come try to rakhee me. Then the full blast of J factor (the perfect 10.0 J factor, if I may add) hits them right on their pretty faces. It doesn’t take long for them to exchange their rakhees for coupons (you know, the kind Joey liberally dished out in Friends). Hah!

Anyway, the only time I was caught unawares was by my younger bro's classmate. But since she was six years younger than I was, I kind of turned the J factor down and chivalrously accepted it .But wait a minute. How did she come to her classmate's house and rakhee his 7.0 J older bro AND then conveniently forget to rakhee the 0.5 J younger bro ? Hello? Bro? Hello? You there ?

So you see that it's quite an impressive record. I'm pretty proud of it. When I see unsuspecting guys being surreptitiously shackled by unscrupulous girls, I feel bad. I mean, once they're done with it, it's like the guys're done in. On top of that, they got to PAY the girls for being done in. And then, advertise their disastrous loss on their wrists for the whole world to see. Whatever happened to truth, peace and justice ? What in the name of the Holy F*** is this world coming to?

Like I was saying, I'm good. Other guys, they walk up to me and ask for fundas. Philanthropist that I am. I thought I'd share some of my knowledge for free. The first principle is pretty simple really....

Hey, hang on a minute. Does that girl actually have a rakhee in her hand?

50m. No, that's not for me. No way.
25m. Piece of cake. The J Factor.
15m. Everything's under control dude.
10m. What the ?!
5m. Hey, what the hell’s going on in here ?!
2m. Holy craparoni! I'm outta this place.

But the less dim-witted of you have probably observed that I've never given Asafa Powell or Justin Gatlin sleepless nights.


I can't believe this happened to me. Me, Mental Baba. Me, the Great Eye. Me, the Morning and the Evening Star. Why me?

Rakshabandhan? I think it's the guys who need some raksha.

Management Class : Meandering thoughts of a fickle mind

mental baba 3:01 PM
baba ka katora |